6 am
out the door into darkness
frost on the car, wipers on, do I remember how to do this?
Workout clothes, check, towel, check, ipod, check
Morphine? Mmmmm check
Drive to the Y

Should I park in the handicap space? Finger the red and white mirror tag that gives me permission
No, I need the exercise! I’m here for the exercise! Walk, dammit!
Up the path
Energy
Feeling good
Time to get back in shape

Remember the combination, open the locker
Move the shampoo
Shampoo?
Find the water bottle

Slam the locker door, adjust the ipod, fill up the water bottle
An old ponytail holder around the neck, it’s red
my reflection catches my eye
round face, 6am shadow on my head, round face
Adjust the baseball cap and
up the stairs to the track
“Heal Me” plays in my ears, Melissa Etheridge knows.
Time to get back in shape

….no use running from a revolution, I will surrender to this evolution…

Walking. Walk faster!
Limping. Limping? Limping. Limp faster!
Around. One two three times. Limping slower.
I am not the same as I was.
Slower, four five. Natasha Beddingfield in my ears.
The old man with the white hair passing me now.

…live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten…

tears on my cheeks
Hidden by the climbing wall, stop
lean and cry
Cry and cry and cry.
Surprise
It’s too much, isn’t it?
I am not the same as I was.

I AM NOT THE SAME AS I WAS!

Compose myself. Here comes the old man again. Limp along.
Harder than we thought.
Maybe I should have parked in the handicapped spot
Six laps around.
What if I can’t make it?
Sweat. Foot numb.

Into the weight room. Eyes front. Find my bench.
3 pound weights. Only 3? 3.
Start slow, my inner dialogue
Begin. Stare into the mirror.
There’s that lady
Does she recognize me?
Does she know?

Round face
13 pounds in four weeks. Harder! Harder! Fix it!
Dixie Chicks in my ears

…Forgive, sounds good, forget, I’m not sure I could….

That guy is looking at me, he looks away from my eyes
A gotee but he’s shaved his head
Buddy, you’re not bald, I’m bald.

I’M BALD!

I AM BALD!

…I’m not ready to make nice, I’m not ready to back down, I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round…

Sweat. Take my f’ing hat off. Bald head is hot. I’m bald and lifting weights.
Look straight ahead. Stop crying. Arms trembling. Weak.
Lower lip trembling. Strong.

Physical therapy exercises. Fix that leg. Fix it.
She said only one set of 10. Two sets of 10!
She said only one set of 10.
15, 16, 17
trembling
bite my lip
look in the mirror
round face, maybe a little less puffy?

Take the ponytail holder from the water bottle
Put it around my wrist
How many times I did that without thinking before
To hold for later ponytails
My own version of LiveStrong
I’ll wear this now

Into that empty room
Find that rubber thing
Stand on it, try to balance

…well I never seem to do it like anybody else, maybe someday, someday, I’m gonna settle down…if you ever want to find me I can still be found, taking the long way around…

taking the long way around
Long Way
Still on the rubber thing
Find my balance

FIND BALANCE

Sinead O’Connor now
To the mat

…I have a healing room inside me…the loving healers there, they feed me….it doesn’t matter what you think you….

On my back. Rest
Tears in my ears
I’m ok
I’m here

I’M HERE

I’M HERE

…I get the answers if I listen….

I’m bald and limping and I’m here. I am here.

…it doesn’t matter what you think you believe….you’re not free if you don’t know me….

Lift that leg. That leg. Take care of that leg. Love that leg.

….I joy in singing you’re my daughter…..so believe…you’re not free, if you don’t know me…

out for one more lap
nice and slow
down below
that same guy I used to see here last year
did he ever leave?
Does he know?

it’s ok
enough for today
walk to the stairs
fog out the window
foggy

Marla is here
“What a treat to see you!”
hold me
what a treat to be seen
chit chat
I am here

Strip
Strip
Limp to the shower
Come on leg, come foot
Enya in my head
A soft soothing ballad
A hot soothing shower

Suds and lather
Massage my leg, MY leg, MINE
Massage my bald head
MINE

Hot water
Tears
Streaming
Good good
God

I’m here

I love hot water

I’m here

Dress
Hood up against the cold
Limp past the handicapped spot
to the car
home
home

physical, emotional, musical arc
lucky lucky

leaves swirling
in the door
aromatic coffee
Dick’s voice
Finny squeal
“I’m here”

I’m here

I am here