heather + finn !

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. Some days it feels like only yesterday; other times it feels like a decade ago. I couldn’t even walk then, and the pain was so intense that once I got into the hospital it took a substantial regimen of narcotics to even take the edge off. Today, I am walking, immersing in the busyness of Mothering, even working out on occasion. It will be nice to have Thanksgiving at the family table this year, instead of my hospital room. Although I will forever be indebted to the ladies at Midcoast Maternity—they made a difficult time very special.

One of my most vivid memories of that week, one year ago, is actually a moment of surprising peace. I woke up in the middle of the night, my first night at the hospital and my first night with the knowledge that I had cancer. Dick was sleeping deeply in a cot nearby. I was on so many drugs, but for some reason awoke fairly lucid and reasonably comfortable for the first time in months. Everything was quiet. I have cancer, I thought. I have cancer. Unfathomable, and yet, there was a part of it that seemed purposeful and destined. There was a bag of Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookies on the bedside table. I picked up the bag and thought, I shouldn’t eat cookies in the middle of the night. Then, of course, I realized that that was a ridiculous notion, especially in my circumstances. I quietly, peacefully, slowly, ate four cookies. I enjoyed every bite, and even more than the flavor, I enjoyed the idea of eating cookies in the middle of the night. I had been granted a new liberation unknown to me before that. Somehow, that liberation, an unteathering from things constraining, was apparent to me almost immediately. there’s more →

The Week That Was

Lessons we think we’ve learned, turns out, we haven’t, yet. Last week was tough. I had been having some numbness in my big toe, new numbness, and it struck a note of concern with the docs. They ordered some scans, which were about due anyway—it had been 3 months. Their concern, regardless of how mild and precautionary, sent us into a bit of a tailspin here in Bath. We tried not to worry, tried not to stress, but we worried and stressed. I stressed so much my shoulders turned solid with knots and my jaw got tight. The tension in my face and neck caused me to be dizzy. In the spirit of full disclosure, I reported the headaches and dizziness, which alerted the docs more—they ordered a brain scan on top of the other scans. They informed me that the potential for a spinal tap loomed. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! there’s more →