It’s been a while, I know. I have been quiet. And while I could tell you that we’ve been so busy and blah blah blah, the truth is that my silence is usually a symptom of something. It’s been a good few months, but I have had my bumps….mostly associated with learning to live again.

Thanksgiving was lovely, quiet with family and then friends, although Finny had a troublesome cold, which will play into our story later. In the weeks between holidays, I was busy with book signing events, which I really enjoyed. Unfortunately, those efforts for me were tainted slightly by my struggle to live in a body that was not yet mine. Still under the push-me-pull-you of steroids, morphine and long-term antibiotics, I found myself more tired than when I first came home from transplant. I was very slow to start in the morning, and often never got up to speed all day. As I retreated to the couch, I retreated some emotionally, and probably experienced a little mild depression. I just felt trapped in a body I didn’t trust and had never known to be so weak.

After a year of simply surviving, it’s time to learn to live again. Really live, and commit to life. The description above is in past tense—things are better today. I am nearly off of the prednisone, and have almost conquered my dependency on morphine. This dependence was another emotional hurdle for me. I suddenly felt very angry that after all we have come through, I had to tackle a drug dependence. Mama’s a junkie. It scared me for a while, but now I have a plan to get free of the last small dose I am on, so I’m feeling more in control of things. I hope to be steroid and narcotic free by the end of February. But I’m learning that life after cancer has challenges I had not anticipated. As always, I search for balance. More on that as I figure it out.

Finn’s first Christmas? Mmmmmmeventfull….he had that cold which escalated into a bronchial event, which landed him in ICU on Christmas Eve. He and I woke up there for his first Christmas morning. Then we came home to poor Dick who was vomiting, followed by 5 days of diarrhea. So we all laid low for the week. As a matter of fact, Dick and I, in what I like to call “Slug-fest 2006”, watched two entire seasons of “Lost” on DVD. We were total potatoes. It was fun and indulgent, and really, all we felt like doing. Just as Finn started to recover from his breathing crisis (thank you prednisone), on New Year’s Eve, he started to vomit, followed by 6 days of diarrhea. The already skinny Finny was wasting away. He was listless and cuddly, but very stinky. We forced the fluids, which was no fun for any of us. Then, a few days later, I caught the dreaded stomach bug, and was sicker than I had been in a year of chemo. When my night at the porcelain began I was really afraid that this was something from which my weak body could not, would not, recover. It’s nerve wracking to catch a common ailment in a body I don’t trust yet. But I did bounce back, surprisingly fast, and lost a few prednisone pounds to boot (don’t say boot, ugh). We are all better now, albeit we are all a few pounds lighter.

So tomorrow, January 13, our Finn is one year old. It’s really hard to believe; one year ago we were in the thick of it—I was bald and pregnant, having this little miracle spring from my abdomen. He is a miracle, and he’s perfect. He’s a little skinny just now, but he is perfect. Even my docs were a little misty this week, as we reminisced over the last year—a year of amazing life! Tough tough stuff, rich and thick, Finn has come through more by his first birthday than many people do in a long life of birthdays. And now I see that smile, five and a half teeth, and I think, we did it. And we can keep doing it. In some ways, I’m learning that LIVING after cancer is harder than surviving the disease and its hideous cure. But look at that grin on that little boy. He doesn’t know how NOT to live. So on we go.

I have begun rehearsing for Winter Cabaret at the Theater Project. It’s our annual winter comedy hit at the theater, and I have worked on and laughed my way through Winter Cabaret for 10 years now. I hated to miss it last year, but this year I am back with a vengeance. We are performing the top 10 most popular short comedy pieces we have ever done, and of the 10, I am in 7! My lines are memorized, now I am just working on building the stamina to make it through the rehearsal process and performances. The laughter hurts my abs but lifts my spirits. It’s pushing me just enough and just in the nick of time.

So here we are—one year after Finn came to show us that anything is possible. Tomorrow we’ll have some cake and balloons and Finn will have his first taste of refined sugar—I can’t wait to see the look on his face. His Grammy Perry is making him a circus train cake just like she made me for my first birthday. There will be lots of pictures which I PROMISE to send along. Kimmie is here with twins Bo and Ella (they WALK!), and when the 3 babies are together in one room, we can’t believe the blessings of love and life we are so lucky to receive. Abundance.

Abundance.

It is the perfect word to sum up the last year. Thank you for giving us your gifts. You have made us so rich. In closing here, I’ll add the word Hope. It wakes me up in the morning and carries me into this new life I am living.

The Master is stirring and needs rescue from his crib. As far as he knows, it’s just another day. We’ll eat and poop, play with his cousins, laugh and nap and at the end of the day we’ll put the experience to bed. We take it as it comes, and move ever onward.

Happy Birthday to a wise little man.

Love and light,

Heather

PS. Come see Winter Cabaret at the Theater Project in Brunswick, Maine! Opens January 26 at 8PM. Runs three weekends on Friday and Saturday nights (8pm) and also two Sunday matinees on Feb 4 and 11 at 2pm. You will laugh and see that I am BACK!