Clean and Clean

So much. So much. We went to to the Kripalu Yoga center for 4 days during Dick’s February break for an intensive workshop with Dr.s Deepak Chopra and David Simon. It was an immersion into Ayurvedic traditions and spirit talks about how to know the mind of God. We meditated twice a day, did yoga twice a day, ate well, and did some healing. I made some real emotional progress I didn’t even know I needed to make. I am learning to be gentle with this body. It has served me well and hard and it will regain its strength in time. The meditation practice we have kept since the workshop continues to nourish us both. Mostly, we are remembering to be lighthearted, which is a key principle in Ayurveda, for we are consciousness looking at itself, creating itself, and our souls know that what the ego needs isn’t what lasts into eternity. We came home feeling refreshed and recharged, but then I put my new expanded awareness to the test by making the first of my final two steps to getting free of Morphine. Step one was to cut my evening dose. It was hard. My body wanted. Meditation helped. One or two doses of anti-anxiety meds helped me to sleep through some of it. After 4 days I was through the worst of it, and drove myself to Boston for two days of scans and meeting with the docs.

Facing the tests is a paradox for me—there is security in knowing we are looking inside my body for signs of trouble, and there is anxiety in knowing we are looking inside my body for signs of trouble. I faced it. I meditated through my PET scan and MRI (a real test of my ability to disconnect in the noisy MRI). The next day I met with Dr. Buff and Dr. Joyce. All clean. Dr. Joyce says she is so pleased with how my treatment and recovery has gone. She is not worried about me. I left feeling energized and strong. I crashed a little when I got home, but finished the week (last week) with a great few days with the ever evolving Finn.

Last Friday I took my last dose of morphine. It was a tough weekend, but my discomfort seemed to peak yesterday (Monday). There were many tears. I am so tired pf being sick and tired. Especially after significant gains like a successful run in Winter Cabaret. But the tears continue to help me to heal. I think some days I am feeling a type of post-traumatic stress—sometimes I am just so overwhelmed by the whirlwind of the last year. Going through it, I was either doped up or just surviving. Surviving treatment to treatment. Everyone thinks I was so brave, but really, what choice did I have? What was I going to do, die? That was not a choice for me. So for a year, I just survived. Now is the time I find I’m faced with a new challenge, CHOOSING to LIVE. Choosing to know when I am really tired, or when I am feeling the chains of fear. I ask these questions and make these choices everyday. Some days I choose wisely, others I don’t. But I am learning to make the most nourishing choice for my body, mind and soul each day, and forgive myself for my weaknesses. It was so frightening and painful to leave my morphine, my ally for nearly 16 months, behind. I don’t know this body without the security and support of that drug. Nothing about this body is the same! I have had a baby. My body has been forced into menopause. I have nerve damage and a pelvis ravaged by a viscous tumor—one that MY BODY created. A mutation, a single misstep by a fragile B-cell, and a choice was made. A choice that tested my physical being, but surely serves my soul. And so I try to reflect on the pain and the gifts and the emotions come through me. And I wonder what I can expect from this new body, this new Heather. How far can I push? What are my expectations to be? How good can I feel? And the answers to these questions are of course all up to me. What I choose is what will be. So, for the first time, I am beginning to love this body. And I am learning to be gentle. And light hearted. I am always a breath away from another choice. Always. So I write to you now, clean of cancer, and four days clean of morphine. I feel a little better today. How much better I will ever feel is up to me and my own intentions. The universe wants me to feel well, to be well, body, mind and soul. What will I choose in this breath?

So going to see Deepak and David for a week broke us out of our rutted routine and expanded our awareness, and the 4 days out of his home routine did the same for Finn. He spent our time away with his Nanny and Gramps Weafer and when we came back to him, he seemed so much more conscious, so much more aware. He was more confident on his feet and in his ability to communicate. His eyes were bright. In the week since, he has taken his first, tentative steps. First between Dick and I, with embraces and kisses on either end. In the last few days, he has three or four times, let go of the table and toddled to his toys. His choice.

So here we are, Finn and I together, learning to walk again, in this world, in bodies that still hold mysteries to our spirits. The choice remains ours, each moment, to walk with confidence, or drop to the ground and crawl on the gentle supporting face of the Earth. Each journey, each moment, we choose. Each choice is a gift and is okay. And at any moment, we are a breath away from our expectations, a breath away from the stars.

So.

Before I sign off for now, I would like to post here an e mail sent to me by our dear friend, Matt Davie, who is competing in a triathelon to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. He has made me his “Honorary Team Mate”, and will be wearing a bracelet with my name on it during his race. He has put up a web page charting his training progress, and on it, has posted a lovely video encapsulating our story. It is a wonderful tribute to a special year for Dick, Finn and I, and we are very touched by his creativity and efforts. Please read below and check out his site—have a look at the video and cheer him on.

Thanks so much to all of you who still visit the site. I’m thinking about an appropriate end point to keep something this special from just fading away ambiguously. More on that next time. I’m also adding a few more pictures, my hair, one of my favorite wigs worn for Winter Cabaret, Finn in the tub, etc.

Love, Peace, Wholeness,
Heather

SUBJECT: MATT DAVIE’S RACE FOR THE CURE

Dear friends-

On July 22, 2007, I will be competing in the New York City Triathlon for a reason much more important than the personal challenge of completing my first 52 mile endurance event.

As a member of The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program, I will be competing to raise money for leukemia, Hodgkin and non-Hodgkin lymphoma, and myeloma research and patient services programs.

I am writing to ask for your support. My goal is to raise $2,500 by Memorial Day. This money will be used for research, patient services and education. Please give as generously as you can — even a donation of just $25 can make a difference! All donations are 100% tax deductible. Simply click on the link below to make a secure online donation to this worthy cause and learn more about my involvement in it.

http://www.active.com/donate/tntnyc/matthewdavie

My connection to this cause is very personal as I have pledged to train on behalf of my friend for over 18 years, Heather Perry Weafer. In November 2005, Heather was diagnosed with lymphoma while in the 4th month of her first pregnancy. Her strength, courage and honesty throughout her diagnosis, chemotherapy and radiation treatments, the birth of her son Finn and her successful bone marrow transplant inspired me and everyone around her. Today Heather is cancer free and enjoying every moment with her husband and 1 year old son. During my training and the actual event, I will be wearing an “Honored Teammate” bracelet with Heather’s name on it as a symbol of my support for Heather and others like her who have been affected by blood cancers.

I’ll be updating my fundraising site regularly to keep you updated on the highs and lows of my training regimen along with other news about the event, the cause and the Society. If you have friends or colleagues that might be interested in contributing toward this cause, I encourage you to forward this email on to them.

Thank you so much for your support and interest in a cause that means so much to me.

Peace, Matt