heather + finn !

Rebirth

At long last, spring is here, and I can tell you with some comfort and confidence that I am finally beginning to bloom. It’s been a long time coming, and about six weeks ago I secretly feared I would never feel good again. But the energy has crept back into my being—my body is waking up from its long rest. My spirit is shaking off the dust. I am beginning to reclaim the embrace of adventure and joy I used to know before this wintering time came to teach us. And this is a bloom I trust—free of all narcotics and steroids, it’s all me.

I’ve been swimming again, twice a week and shooting for 3 times a week. I have much more endurance than I thought I would. A long way to go, but I have the strength and courage to get in and work for it now. My wonderful Physical Therapist, Richelle, kicked me out of the PT nest. She said I’m too strong to go on there. Now it’s up to me.

And the sun is out. And my hair is growing into an impossibly curly mess. And Finn is walking and talking, and Dick is smiling. A lot. We’re good.

Today is my 36th birthday. In addition, it is the one-year anniversary of my first clean scans. One year down, four to go—then we can call me cured. I’m not worried. I’m blooming!

Lots of things planned— performances with the theater, trips to visit friends and family, long summer days at the lake, maybe even a summer trip to Italy. Milestones. Life is moving on.

So, I think that’s the most of it.

I like the idea of closing this site on a special day. Today is special, but truly, for us, each day is special. So I think I’ll leave it here for now. I’d like to keep the site on-line for those of you who like to revisit some of the special moments we’ve shared in the last 18 months, and by all means, if you are moved to leave us a message, please do. I’ve put some new pictures up today and I’ll plan to throw some others of our Finn up from time to time. I am graced with the privilege of witnessing his growth—from a tiny soldier within me, to a life-affirming miracle in our lives. He is the delightful proof that life goes on. And that my life goes on exceedingly well.

Please know how important this site has been for Dick, Finn and me. It has been so healing for us to share our thoughts and transformation, and extraordinarily helpful for us to read your words of love and grace. You have made a difference in our journey and in our lives. I carry the spirit of your love and words in every cell of me. Every clean, healthy, tender cell.

I remain lucky in life and light.

Love,
Heather

Clean and Clean

So much. So much. We went to to the Kripalu Yoga center for 4 days during Dick’s February break for an intensive workshop with Dr.s Deepak Chopra and David Simon. It was an immersion into Ayurvedic traditions and spirit talks about how to know the mind of God. We meditated twice a day, did yoga twice a day, ate well, and did some healing. I made some real emotional progress I didn’t even know I needed to make. I am learning to be gentle with this body. It has served me well and hard and it will regain its strength in time. The meditation practice we have kept since the workshop continues to nourish us both. Mostly, we are remembering to be lighthearted, which is a key principle in Ayurveda, for we are consciousness looking at itself, creating itself, and our souls know that what the ego needs isn’t what lasts into eternity. We came home feeling refreshed and recharged, but then I put my new expanded awareness to the test by making the first of my final two steps to getting free of Morphine. Step one was to cut my evening dose. It was hard. My body wanted. Meditation helped. One or two doses of anti-anxiety meds helped me to sleep through some of it. After 4 days I was through the worst of it, and drove myself to Boston for two days of scans and meeting with the docs.

Facing the tests is a paradox for me—there is security in knowing we are looking inside my body for signs of trouble, and there is anxiety in knowing we are looking inside my body for signs of trouble. I faced it. I meditated through my PET scan and MRI (a real test of my ability to disconnect in the noisy MRI). The next day I met with Dr. Buff and Dr. Joyce. All clean. Dr. Joyce says she is so pleased with how my treatment and recovery has gone. She is not worried about me. I left feeling energized and strong. I crashed a little when I got home, but finished the week (last week) with a great few days with the ever evolving Finn. there’s more →

Just a quick note because some of you have been interested to know about the amazing folks in the medical field who have made my life and finny’s life possible. I’m adding 3 new photos— the first of the incredible nursing staff at Midcoast Maternity (although a few VERY important ladies were not there the day I went in on the anniversary of my diagnosis last November, Wendy, Kathy, Susan). The next two are of my Onc docs at Beth Israel. Dr. Robin Joyce, and her Oncology Fellow Dr. Michael Buff. Unfortunately, I do not have a picture of Dr. Tamara Takoudes, who saw me through the final challenging months of my pregnancy and then successfully delivered Finn 7 weeks early, but she is to be thanked as well. Enjoy!

Coming soon, photos of my new hair do, and shots from my return to the stage at the Theater Project for our 10th annual Winter Cabaret! Those of you who are local, come see!

Friday Jan 26 @ 8pm, Saturday Jan 27 @ 8pm
Friday Feb 2 @ 8pm, Saturday Feb 3 @ 8pm, Sunday Feb 4 @ 2pm
Friday Feb 9 @ 8pm, Saturday Feb 10 @ 8pm, Sunday Feb 11 @ 2pm

I broke my pinkie finger in rehearsals, but other than that I’m feeling good and having a blast!

Love love love,
Heather

Well the kiddo has been with us for a whole year. Hard to believe, but time marches forward. He had a very nice birthday, with family and friends and that circus train cake from Grammy and Poppy. Too many presents, and so the fight against entitlement begins. But he is a special little boy and we love love love him. He is lucky to have so much love in his life. And cake! He looked at me with utter disbelief that I could have held out on him about such things. There’s no turning back now. He’s a shy little one, so he was a little quiet and observant while the crowd was here, but as soon as everyone left, he treated us to yelps and shrieks of delight and belated excitement. So enjoy the new pictures…they date all the way back to Thanksgiving when we had Finn and the twins and friend Max all together—4 babies. Then portrait time with Finn and his cousies. A wheezing, unhappy, Christmas eve Finn, hours before his hospital visit, and finally big boy birthday Finn, at home with us and during our little affair. And how about that new sweater and a mechanical train.

I’ve edited out the pictures that highlight his scabby nose…did I mention that I dropped him right at the doctor’s office? Then hung him in his car seat only hours later? Mother of the year. So yeah, his nose looks like he’s been in a bar fight but you can’t tell in these pics.

Enjoy and thanks for staying with us.

I am working to get a little stronger everyday, one foot in front of the other.

Much love.
Heath, Dick and old Finn.

It’s been a while, I know. I have been quiet. And while I could tell you that we’ve been so busy and blah blah blah, the truth is that my silence is usually a symptom of something. It’s been a good few months, but I have had my bumps….mostly associated with learning to live again.

Thanksgiving was lovely, quiet with family and then friends, although Finny had a troublesome cold, which will play into our story later. In the weeks between holidays, I was busy with book signing events, which I really enjoyed. there’s more →

Hi All,
Just wanted to let you all know that the Mighty Finn will be turning the big ONE on Saturday, January 13!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FINN!

love,
Jen

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. Some days it feels like only yesterday; other times it feels like a decade ago. I couldn’t even walk then, and the pain was so intense that once I got into the hospital it took a substantial regimen of narcotics to even take the edge off. Today, I am walking, immersing in the busyness of Mothering, even working out on occasion. It will be nice to have Thanksgiving at the family table this year, instead of my hospital room. Although I will forever be indebted to the ladies at Midcoast Maternity—they made a difficult time very special.

One of my most vivid memories of that week, one year ago, is actually a moment of surprising peace. I woke up in the middle of the night, my first night at the hospital and my first night with the knowledge that I had cancer. Dick was sleeping deeply in a cot nearby. I was on so many drugs, but for some reason awoke fairly lucid and reasonably comfortable for the first time in months. Everything was quiet. I have cancer, I thought. I have cancer. Unfathomable, and yet, there was a part of it that seemed purposeful and destined. There was a bag of Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookies on the bedside table. I picked up the bag and thought, I shouldn’t eat cookies in the middle of the night. Then, of course, I realized that that was a ridiculous notion, especially in my circumstances. I quietly, peacefully, slowly, ate four cookies. I enjoyed every bite, and even more than the flavor, I enjoyed the idea of eating cookies in the middle of the night. I had been granted a new liberation unknown to me before that. Somehow, that liberation, an unteathering from things constraining, was apparent to me almost immediately. there’s more →

The Week That Was

Lessons we think we’ve learned, turns out, we haven’t, yet. Last week was tough. I had been having some numbness in my big toe, new numbness, and it struck a note of concern with the docs. They ordered some scans, which were about due anyway—it had been 3 months. Their concern, regardless of how mild and precautionary, sent us into a bit of a tailspin here in Bath. We tried not to worry, tried not to stress, but we worried and stressed. I stressed so much my shoulders turned solid with knots and my jaw got tight. The tension in my face and neck caused me to be dizzy. In the spirit of full disclosure, I reported the headaches and dizziness, which alerted the docs more—they ordered a brain scan on top of the other scans. They informed me that the potential for a spinal tap loomed. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! there’s more →

6 am
out the door into darkness
frost on the car, wipers on, do I remember how to do this?
Workout clothes, check, towel, check, ipod, check
Morphine? Mmmmm check
Drive to the Y

Should I park in the handicap space? Finger the red and white mirror tag that gives me permission
No, I need the exercise! I’m here for the exercise! Walk, dammit!
Up the path
Energy
Feeling good
Time to get back in shape

Remember the combination, open the locker
Move the shampoo
Shampoo?
Find the water bottle

Slam the locker door, adjust the ipod, fill up the water bottle
An old ponytail holder around the neck, it’s red
my reflection catches my eye
round face, 6am shadow on my head, round face
Adjust the baseball cap and
up the stairs to the track
“Heal Me” plays in my ears, Melissa Etheridge knows.
Time to get back in shape

….no use running from a revolution, I will surrender to this evolution… there’s more →

Last night my friend Reba came to henna my head. Reba is fresh back from Morocco where she spent nearly two years in the Peace Corps and where I went to visit her before conceiving Finn. I have wanted to henna my bald head throughout this entire ordeal but never had the chance. Now, with my hair beginning to grow in for good, we seized the moment. It was a little clumsy—the henna mixture was too thick and for Reba it was like painting with fish poop. The stuff wouldn’t come through the tube, so we decided to use a toothpick as an applicator. I couldn’t find a toothpick, so we used one of those little umbrellas you put in a tropical drink. Fish poop and cocktail umbrella. Funny stuff. I slept with the poop on my head, wrapped in a scarf from Morocco for good measure. This morning I peeled off all the hardened henna for the big reveal. Now I look like a fish pooped on my head last night. Just barely there. But you know what? We had fun, and it felt nice to have my head tended to so nicely. I have been feeling so creative lately, and it seemed natural to extend that energy to my scalp. I put some pictures of the shenanegans up on the picture page. there’s more →